Elmo is going to get me killed

Lately I've been spending my precious free time managing pain and trying to devour The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. The pain isn't that bad, but with it located in my offhand thumb, it does make simple household chores a bit of a problem, and on busy days I find it aching to the point that I don't want to even use the hand.

The reading of AAKC has been a true joy for me, and the farther I get into the book the more it pulls me in. That's the kind of statement you want to say about anything you read, and I can see why this book won a Pulitzer Prize. I have Brain K. Vaughn to thank for recommending this to me. In a very brief email exchange with me he suggested I read the book and remarked that he was jealous of anyone picking it up for the first time because of the sense of wonder and energy you get. I've probably got less than 100 pages left, but I can already agree with him there.

Yesterday was a bit surreal. If I were to give it a headline, Man Threatened With Death Over Missing Elmo. Seriously. That's the type of bizarre crap that you really can't make up.

In a nutshell, I spent just under $20 on eBay to get my daughter a stuffed Elmo doll, because she truly loves that little red muppet. I pay on time, but it never comes. I pay for priority shipping, but it's sent media mail. When I inquire about this, the seller refuses to acknowledge that and says she will refund my money when I send the box back to her.

I don't have the box or the Elmo!!!!, that's the problem.

She still doesn't get it.

After going through more emails, more patience, and the resolution processes of both eBay and Paypal (through which I paid) I am finally forced to try and contact her on the phone. Let's just say she's nicer in her emails than in person. She's not home, so I leave a message and say I'll call back later. Approximately 5 minutes later she calls me from her work and proceeds to yell at me about how big of a jerk I am and then hangs up on me. I tried calling her back (her number came up on caller ID) but I was gettng a voice mail system and hung up in vain. She immediately calls me back and condemns me for harassing her at work, calls me a bitch, and threatens to "whip my azz."

Did I mention she lives in Baltimore and I live in Illinois?

Now at this point I get a bit ticked off and I decided I would call her work and let the top person there know about her behavior and how she uses company time and resources. I make approximately 6 calls and get nothing but the automated voice mail. Turns out she's the top dog, must be one hell of a company.

But it doesn't end there, oh no. That would be far to easy.

I get another phone call, this time from the woman's husband. Among the many fallacies and ridiculous statements he made was

1. that he "listened" to me harass his wife 8 times on the phone (yet we only talked twice)
2. that I had no right to call her at work (although she called me from there)
3. that he was a law enforcement officer
4. that my house was going to be ransacked (for what, he never really could explain)
5. that he would personally come over to my house and beat me up
6. he wasn't just a law enforcement officer, but a Federal Officer
7. as such everything is within his jurisdiction,
8. he couldn't name the branch of federal law enforcement he worked for
9. and finally, that he was coming over to my house to "bust yo muthafuckin head in and keel yo azz," and then he hung up on me.

I'm not making any of that up. That's what he said and how he talked.

Although I am a bit embarrassed to admit it, just to be on the safe side, I did file a police report. I don't really expect anything to happen, but on the off chance that this knucklehead actually travels for his job or something, through eBay he does have my contact information. The last thing I really want is to end up as part of a special report of Dateline NBC or something.

All this because I love my daughter and wanted to buy her a stuffed Elmo doll.