I've been doing almost absolutely nothing of late. Sure, I watch 22 month old triplets, and for some people that is a task that they can't fathom, but I think I do a passable job. My kids are well behaved for their age, they're growing smarter every day, and they are all happy, loving children that I can see possess a spirit of love and compassion. In other words, they are pure innocence and I am lucky enough to see them and spend my days with them.
I've also unfortunately entered what may be the darkest stage of my life. Inside I feel absolutely black, defeated, and alone. I find myself day dreaming and unfocused, longing to get away and embrace nature and the outdoors, to challenge myself on levels I've never tried. I can't say this is the answer for me, but my instinct tells me this is something I have to do, and unfortunately I believe I need to accomplish this alone.
The past six months have been challenging and stressful for me. I've gone into counseling and while I've made some great stride and advances, I still feel lost. Maybe it's because my step father passed away last month, a man who meant so much to me and who helped shape my life and my outlook on life. Then there was the uncomfortable confrontation with my real father that was filled with gaps in his memory, distortions, and what I believe to be out and out lies for what ever reason. My mother has now twice been hospitalized and put on life support because of breathing problems. And lastly my youngest sister has begun to deal with being molested by her father when she was between the ages of 4 and 8 years old. At times, I'm barely able to keep it together, and I know I wouldn't if it weren't for the counseling.
So mostly I sit and try to enjoy my kids, but when my depression gets very bad, I escape into mindless computer activities. It makes me uncommunicative and I find myself finding ways to avoid contact with others if I can help it.
So if you haven't heard from me in awhile, please don't take it personal, I've just entered one of my blue zones and I hope to work my way out of it shortly. You'll know that's happened when I'm writing more and sharing my day to day activities.
Thanks for your patience.
2 comments:
I am proud of you for seeking both the truth about your family and help for this disease. Some of us don't have the courage to ask for help and suffer alone. Some are just afraid to find out the truth. You are much stronger than you even give yourself credit for. You are loved by many, & I hope that helps you in this dark and lonely time.
Hey. I have some sense of what you are going through. I have dealt with depression many times in my life. Also, I often withdraw from my family, from friends, even from work. I have my own space that I need to be in. Sometimes when I am in that space, I write. Sometimes I surf the net (mostly). Sometimes I listen to angry/ dark music. I hate that this side of my personality exists, but it's been there for the larger part of 34 years. It aint going away.
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