Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How I feel

I suffer from depression. Big deal right, who doesn't? The older I get, the more I think that it is a big deal. It permeates into all aspects of my life and as I approach 40 I can see how it has even affected me physically. This is not something I talk about much, and I don't think I've even mentioned it to many people at all--- I would think that most people who know me aren't even aware of it. The reason for that is I've never felt comfortable letting people know about this.

I've always thought I'd be treated differently or that people would want to give me some additional sympathy or even pity as a result. I've never wanted to have a built-in "excuse" for bad behavior or poor choices that I might have made. I think that once you accept that type of crutch, you will eventually come to depend on it and use it in a very manipulative fashion. So for those reasons, I've always avoided mentioning it, especially when I was younger and first learned about this.

I bring this up because I think I'm going through a horrible patch of this right at the moment. This is the first time in years I've gone through this without taking some type of medication for it. The meds are tricky---sometimes they help you, but there are always side-effects that make them unattractive or unbearable. I took one that made me sweat profusely and experience heat flashes, and I've taken another one that worked for awhile but then made me feel jumpy, excited, and agitated. It all boils down to not feeling successful with anything I've tried. So currently I'm combating this on my own without any help, but it's incredibly hard.

I don't know if I've ever had a more difficult time than what I'm going through right now. I honestly think that if I didn't have babies to play with every day that I would have self-destructed by now. The thing about depression is that, for me at least, you feel a heavy solitude, even when you're surrounded by your friends and family. The best way I can explain it is looking at it as though each morning you wake up and find yourself wrapped up in a wet, heavy cloak of doubt. I say doubt because you end up not trusting yourself and you often lack the strength to throw off the doubt that is weighing you down.

The result of all this is that for the last few months I've felt extremely alienated and alone. Maybe I need counseling or something, but from the time I wake up until the time I eventually fall asleep, I feel disconnected from everyone. The worst part is that I know I would be extremely annoyed if I had a bunch of people hanging around. That sad contradiction is what I probably hate the most.

So, I often find myself up late at night, like tonight (it's about 3am), ruminating on everything. One of the things I've been thinking about lately is friendship or friends. If someone is my friend, I want to be there for them in anyway they need. What I've found about friendship is that I can find a more people to help me move or help me hang siding on my house than I can find to talk to or hang out with on a regular basis. I don't care about having help moving or getting a project completed when I've got an emergency, I'm more concerned with someone who just wants to talk to me or hang out with me because they really want to.

Maybe it's just depressed pouting, or maybe I've just become such a cantankerous bastard, but I find I have precious few people that want to talk to me these days.

2 comments:

Tutu Lou said...

It is a wonder you lasted this long. The babies are a wondrous blessing, just not very good conversationalists. I can be there to fix your house...I can also be there to help YOU. You are doing something most of us could not handle...let alone excel at. I am not the greatest at expressing my feelings through words, but I can say you are loved and missed. I can honestly say I know where you are coming from with the depression. Keep your head up.....at least you don't have pictures of you in a dress on the internet.

Anonymous said...

Chuck,
I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. I know you feel that you have nobody that you can talk to sometimes, and I want you to know that I like talking to you and hanging out with you "just because"...just because I think you are a great husband, father, friend, and brother in law. You have always been there for me in the past, and I want to be there for you, too, when you need me. You and Meva let me stay at your small apt when I moved to Chicago without asking for anything, and when I was leaving Chicago and needed family/friends more than ever, you were there for me then, too. I will NEVER forget you for that and will always be grateful to you for that. You are the best brother in law I could ask for, and I want you to know. So, cheer up, and feel better b/c you are loved by many.