Cloistered

I've been feeling really squeezed for time lately and I feel myself pulled in too many directions. The sole focus of this situation is my part-time job that I work on the weekends. The job itself is really fine; its a job like many others out there that promises you more money than you actually get and is frustrating and beneath you, but the money is good enough to keep you there. Specifically what is bothering me is the opportunity cost I have to pay to continue that job.

If you're unfamiliar with the term "opportunity cost" it's an economic term that basically means you have to pay something for every action. It doesn't have to be money, it could be labor or time, but you sacrifice one of those three commodities for just about every action or decision you make. I'm not going to get into a huge, boring discussion about that, if you want to learn more about it, you can go here. What I find myself using as currency more and more is time.

This became more clear this weekend when I had to bow out of helping do some yard work around my step-parent's house. In the scheme of things it wasn't a big deal, it was just fixing and putting up a fence, even though I spent Friday evening helping out as best I could. My brothers took care of everything the next morning, but I was hurt that I couldn't be there with them.

For those of you that don't know, my step-parents are in their 60's and 70's and my step dad, Big Lou, is not in good health any more. Physical activities are really too much for him these days, so maintaining the upkeep and repairs of a house is really too much for him. This was evident when I got to their house on Friday and it was being overrun with weeds, many of which had become small trees. I immediately felt bad about not having come down there more often and taken care of these things.

Between them, my own mother, Meva's mother, and my wife and kids, I am paying an awful lot to keep that job on the weekends. It makes me feel cut off from everyone and quite useless if I can be honest.

Nerdvana

Recently it was one of the more, pardon the term, Holy , weeks for me. It marked this years Chicago Comic Con! I always try to get friends or family to go with me, but no one is ever interested enough to join me, so I end up going it alone. This year was different though because I met up with one of my friends from the Internet for the first time! I've been talking with Cary for almost two years now, connected initially over our love of comic books, and since that time we've really hit it off and often share ideas and collaborate on each other's projects.

Cary is from Texas, so it was a real vacation for him and his best friend Mike to come up here for a few days and just wallow with me in comic book bliss. Without boring those of you who aren't comic fans I'll say that we had a great time meeting a lot of people, finding some good deals, and we ate pretty well. We went to Gibsons, the Cheesecake Factory, and Superdawg as well as going out to see the Bourne Ultimatum, which was a blast I might add.

The sale of our house is quickly grinding to a halt I fear. The buying season is quickly closing with the beginning of the school year and the number of showings and interest in our house seems to have decreased significantly within the past two weeks. Our current plan calls for us to leave the house on the market until October and if we don't have an offer by then, we're going to take it off the market until next spring. It's not what we wanted, but it many ways this works out for us too---just not as well as if we sold the place.

One thing this does do is force me to look at the upkeep of the house as though it isn't going to sell and begin preparing the house for the winter and autumn. That means being more aggressive with the landscaping and polishing up the driveway and other areas so that come spring we'll be ready to roll as soon as the season opens again.

Through sheer luck we're actually managing to make some headway into our debt and I think we're possibly better off now than we were in the spring, hopefully Meva and I can keep that momentum going and build on this!

I Can't See

Earlier this week my wife and I started some pretty serious diets. Without going into great detail we get to eat one lean and green meal a day and 5 small packaged meals. The goal being to limit ourselves to around 1000 calories a day. It's pretty tough. And did I mention the food tastes like crap for the most part? Well it does. It's almost entirely powders mixed with what to make things like puddings, soups, oatmeals, and chili. I like the oatmeal and chili--the rest is brutal.

Well, the first day I was on this I got half way through the day and went into a hypoglycemic shock and had to stop. I ate regular foods in normal amounts the rest of the day and was better, then I started back up the next day and I've been going strong ever since. It's been just 5 days, but I can feel and see the difference already, so I'm psyched about that.

Here's the bad news. After 5 days, eating like a rabbit finally caught up to me and I had a horrible ocular migraine today while I was at work. The stupid thing gave me blinding prisms, nausea, and a headache that made me want to cry. I've taken more pain medication tonight than since I had my gallbladder removed. It's actually added to my stomach ache. So, I feel like absolute death, just thought I'd share that with everyone.

Now, the last and largest batch of pain meds are kicking in, so it's time to go. Wish me luck and I hope none of you out there ever experience this or something even remotely close.

Preparations And Mad Creation

I'm sure to everyone else around me it seems like business as usual, which to a normal person would require medication, caffeine, and counseling, but I've been incredible preoccupied. In less than two weeks I'll be attending the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention. All fan boy stuff aside, this is a big convention for me because I'm going to do things that I am normally uncomfortable with; selling myself!

I'm talking about making pitches to editors and comic book publishers for some of the series I have ideas about and have actually gotten into working pieces, or pieces that can be worked. At this time it only amounts to two stories, but that's two more than most other people have.

Let me rephrase that, I hope to have two stories. I think I'm pretty set on Atonement. I've got that worked out and I have my small script, so I am doing very well there. All it needs is some polishing and if I have the time I'll be creating a more user friendly bible for it, something that someone besides myself could read and understand. The other story I have is Toy Chest, and I feel confident that I'll have that ready.

So, to have them both ready, at least to the point I will feel comfortable with, I'll need to have a "bible" for each, scripts (at least 1 each), and a written pitch. I'd love to have had some artwork to couple with it, but I just didn't get around to finding an artist, but that brings me to my next feat while I'm there: Finding artists!

If you've never been to a convention, there are artists showing their work and portfolios and selling sketches and previous work. It's a great place to meet cool people and network with someone who you think would work well with your story ideas. This also requires that I be very sociable and engaging, which as I get older seems to be harder for me for some reason.

So, lately all I've been thinking about is getting everything set so that I can look prepared, professional, and ready to create comics. I know I'll hear many polite refusals and rejections, which is fine because my stories aren't for everyone, but if I don't try I'll never get a yes. No one is just coming to my door and asking me to write for them, so this is how I'm going to do it.

So, if I'm less responsive than normal, understand this is why. Working and pursuing your dreams can take you away from other areas, and that's what's going to be happening as I enter this crunch time! Wish me luck!

Ashamed

In my previous post I was quick to use a photo to correspond with the story about MySpace purging sex offenders from their membership. I've since had a chance to research more information about the person who's photo I used and I think I was horribly out of line and insensitive for doing so. I have since taken the photo down and edited out my crude comments.
Hindsight has led me to see they were out of line and I am ashamed I did that.

To anyone that might have been offended or uncomfortable, I apologize.

I won't speak about this any more on here, but if you're really curious I will be very open about it if you ask.

I Feel Slimey

Any time my life has a connection to sex offenders that goes beyond my species or address, it makes me feel a bit sick. What am I talking about? The news that MySpace just canceled the accounts of 29000 registered sex offenders from their member list! Granted, there are over 180 million people on the site and 29k is a lower percentage, but it's still a connection that I don't care for. It's guys like the one in the picture to the left that really make this a sick and twisted society.

One of the saddest and funniest stories I've heard lately is what is calling the Furry Grim Reaper. There's a cat in a nursing home in Rhode Island that "predicts" a terminally old person will die in a few hours. The article talks about how this brings closure to the families that are notified that their loved one has been visited. Or maybe we should be saying "Marked." Maybe it's just me, but my first thought would be, "Is that animal contagious?" or "What is that thing getting into that might be causing frail old people to be pushed over the edge?" But no, this nursing home puts up a plaque on the wall to "commemorate" the cats' contribution!! Unbelievable! Doesn't anyone in Rhode Island have a bologna detection kit? Seriously though, these are OLD PEOPLE who are hooked up to life support machines, and when their extremities turn blue and their breathing becomes labored, there are just a few possible outcomes that we'll see.

My brother Cecil and his buddy Tom have put up another episode of their podcast, Everyone's A Critic. You can either use the link on the right or you can do a search for it on iTunes.

The NFL training camp season is upon us and I can't think of many more times throughout the year that I look more forward to. Of course it helps that the Bears are still strong favorites to return to the Superbowl (although the odds and history are against them) and for some reason my Cubbies have decided to make this an interesting season and are competing for the MLB playoffs. That doesn't happen that often ladies and gentlemen, and considering a subpar Cardinals team won last year, anything is possible.

And I'm just a few weeks away from the Chicago Comic-Con!!

Life's a Buffet

Lately it seems that I just can't get caught up on rest or sleep. It's cliche, but I spend most of my time feeling like a zombie. I just seem to walk around in a perpetual fog, tired and having a hard time focusing.

I made a minor change to the blog here; on the left hand side I created a list of what I am currently doing, so to speak, in so much as what I'm reading or watching on TV/DVD/Movies. Given our current lifestyle, don't expect me to tell you what movies I've gone out and seen......I don't get out much at the moment.

I've been getting frequent updates and information about my 20 yr high school reunion which will be taking place this September. Even though I didn't have many friends in high school or wasn't very popular, I enjoyed going to the last reunion if for nothing else than to see what's happened to the beautiful people. I ended up having a blast and drinking a little bit more than I should have, but I don't think I made an ass of myself, so it was a good experience.

I'm not sure I want to go to this one. Getting out of the house is a chore, so that alone has been causing me to waffle a bit as to whether or not I should attend. Today I get what I guess would be called a registration form and it says that the dinner will cost $81 a person! That's pretty steep, but it's not a price I haven't paid before for dinner. The kicker is that it's for a BUFFET DINNER????? They want $162 for my wife and I to have beef sandwiches, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes? Come on. I just can't justify that at all. We could go to some top shelf restaurants in Chicago for less than that and have a fabulous night, instead of getting dressed up for Boston Market. This doesn't look good at all.

We had a scare here at home with my son Perrin. He some how found his way into a bottle of infant ibuprofen and drank an unknown quantity of it. How he got the child safety cap off, I don't know, but it happened. We induced vomiting and I left work early and bought some syrup of ipecac and we monitored him the rest of the day and evening. Luckily nothing happened, but it sure worried me and scared the living shit out of Meva. So, there are new policies in place to ensure that doesn't happen again. Man, those kids are into everything!!

Insomnia

The last week or so has been horrible for my sleep. I guess I'm back in that same old grind of either staying awake into the wee hours with my mind wandering and worrying about things it really shouldn't be that concerned with at that time of the night, or I'm up late trying to bludgeon my mind into slumber with mind-numbing activities, or I take some pretty strong anti-anxiety meds and completely crash like a log. Since I absolutely hate taking meds, especially ones that knock me out, I've been spending the time awake instead of when I should be sleeping.

The worst part to me is that whenever I try to write, I just simply get flustered and what I put out isn't anything I'm happy with. So the quest for clarity is on once again.

We went looking at houses tonight with the kids. They were incredibly well behaved for what we put them through, which is their norm. We've been blessed that way. Instead of looking at real homes tonight, we thought we'd cover all our bases and check out some double-wide manufactured homes. No matter how nice they are, and don't get me wrong there were some nice ones, they're still trailers to me. Unfortunately the pricing is attractive, so there are a few we may end up considering.

We received our first official offer on our house tonight while we were out. My agent says it's a lowball offer though, so I'm not too happy about that. With selling this home I've noticed there are some people out there who think that since the market is sluggish, that they can just make ridiculous offers and get away with it. I sure hope that's not the case with this, because I might just dig in my heals and become a real beast.

There's not too much else happening at the moment. My wife went and saw the Harry Potter movie by herself while I watched the kids. I'm supposed to take a turn here soon, but for the life of me I don't know when that's going to happen. I might just wait for it to come to DVD and catch the Simpson's movie instead. The trailer they keep showing with Homer walking a pig on his ceiling and singing "Spiderpig" just kills me. I enjoy the Simpsons, but wasn't sure if I wanted to see the movie.........that one clip pushed me over the edge. We'll see.

Fun Weekend of Sorts

This was the first time I had worked in almost a month and I really didn't enjoy myself one bit. We can definitely use the money, but I would much rather just spend time with my family instead of putting up with idiots who think they know something about shopping for furniture. I think I am getting beyond burnt out at this point because I can't seem to sell shit. I know that inside, I am getting less and less patient with people. I am becoming such an old man!!

My brother Cecil had a birthday party on Saturday. Meva and the kids and I all showed up and spent about 3 hours hanging out and talking with friends, some of whom I haven't seen in years. We had a good time and I got to play some unique games like bola toss and zombie pinata smashing. My first shot at the zombie pinata, I hit it's body clean off of its head---of course everyone knows you have to take out the head, so I didn't do to well there in that regard. It was a blast though and I look forward to doing stuff like that again.

Our realtor called us and said she expects to get an offer on our house within the next few days. That's good too because we're really ready to get this move over and done with. We are planning on looking at some new houses here on Tuesday, and some of them look promising, so hopefully we'll find something we like. I don't think we're going to go with the house we put a bid on previously. It's a nice house, but there's something about the town that isn't sitting right with us, and we think it would just be better to choose elsewhere. I'll keep everyone posted here as developments warrant it.

That's about it folks, I've been pretty busy this weekend, so I haven't had a chance to really pay attention to the news, so I don't have anything to comment on. But NFL training camps will be opening up this week and next, so that's always a good sign.

Who Turned Out The Light

Well, I'm struggling with my dark thoughts again the past couple of nights. Sleep has been for shit and I'm just barely dragging myself through the rest of the day this week. I don't know how other people handle this, but fighting depression is extremely exhausting for me. I hope this spell passes quickly.

On a more positive note, I had a chance to spend a few hours with many of my close friends and family over the weekend for what was the final edition of the triplets first birthday party. It was a real treat getting to see everyone that stopped over. The only real sad part is that I feel as though I hardly had enough time to talk to everyone. I guess when someone leaves and you're still wishing you could spend more time with them, that it's a good sign.

After almost two months on the market, we have the strongest nibble on the house yet. I call it a nibble because there hasn't been an official offer yet, but I feel more optimistic about this one than I have about any other one to date. It's an older couple who are renting a house elsewhere and their landlord is selling the house, so they need to find a place of their own. That's definitely in our favor, as is the fact that their daughter lives two doors down from me. They told our agent they'd let us know if they were interested by the end of the week. I sure hope I get a call with an acceptable offer.

I've been having some digestive problems lately that have been quite painful at times and completely inconvenient. Lots of vomiting. I've had problems in the past with an ulcer and it's caused irritation and swelling right where my stomach and my esophagus meet, causing me to gag and choke on ridiculously small pieces of food at times. This Thursday I am having a procedure to dilate my stoma (I think that's what that area is called) to help things move along. It involves an endoscopy, which is a fancy way of saying they're going to shove a camera tube down my throat, gotta love that. I have an exceptionally strong bite and gag reflex, which came into play when I had may gallbladder removed and this procedure was given to me the first time because I bit the bite guard almost in half and came close to crushing the scope!

After years of curiosity I finally got around to seeing Citizen Kane. I keep trying to look at it from the perspective of someone from that generation who may have saw it when it premiered, but it's not working for me. It was mildly interesting, but in the end I just wasn't satisfied or that impressed with the story. Say what you will about it or me, but that's how I felt.

I don't have anything else to add today, but I have a feeling I will be on a bit of a rant tomorrow.

Things Are Happening

It's been a pretty busy week around here. The entire family spent 5 days in Ohio visiting my In-laws and having the first of my kids birthday party celebrations, We came home on the 4th late at night and then the kids had a doctor's appointment the following morning. In between then and now we've had 5 showing scheduled for the house, of which I've had 2 blow us off and not even show. So for the better part of the last 8 days or so, I've been completely out of the loop.

Regardless, I did get the absolute bullshit news that Scooter Libby was pardoned. Say what you want to about Bush, Republicans, or even politics in general, but I really have a problem with the ease and lack of accountability that goes into this type of blatant "Fuck You" that the American people and our legal system are given. Any time someone is tried and found guilty in the country, I feel nervous when one single person can pardon that person based on a whim or person bias. That my friends is a very very broken part of our system of government. The fact that Bush does this should come as no surprise to anyone.

Focusing back on the personal, it's going to be hot and muggy this weekend. We have another birthday party for the kids on Sunday, so I fear we all may just melt! At some point I have to mow the lawn and fix some dead patches with seeding and laying some new soil. Ya gotta love doing that in 95+ heat.

I finished my comic script for a story I've been working on called Atonement. I'm still excited about it and I've received some feedback that has been incredible and insightful. I can't wait to get back into the story and rework it based on what I've gotten back. It just brings me one step closer to getting to my goal of being a paid writer.

That's it for now, I'm beat!

Conservatively Speaking........

Things are not going very well if you like freedom, fairness, and liberty. Little by little, in ways too complex and subtle for the average American to notice, we are losing our personal freedoms in this country. Here's the latest steps backward at the hands of our government officials:

Who Needs Diversity, Seperate IS Once Again Equal

Thanks to our incredibly stupid Supreme Court, public schools are no longer able to allow their districts population to be moved around to ensure racial diversity. Make no mistake about this, today's decision is a very real threat to Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka KS. There is a reason that decision was reached almost 50 years ago and it's only a matter of time before this current "Bush" court allows for this law to be repealed.

The Constitution Is Play-doh

Once again our sovereign leader---oops did I just say that?---has chose to ignore the tenants of our Constitution and invoke the joke clause, otherwise known as executive privilege, and refuse a subpoena. I don't mind challenges to the Constitution, no true fan of our government should, but this guy uses the document like a sculptor uses clay. You don't like the shape? Just change it or ignore it.........what, you can't do that because your benefactor says it's wasteful? Then just get a specialist to come in and razzle-dazzle them until they forget what they wanted and agree to it under different verbage. Yeah elected officials, no wonder you half-assed supported education reform to make it look like you cared, but secretly set in motion a system to create thinkers to stupid to see what your little gang is doing!!!

It's just so nice to know how closer this country is slipping down a spiral towards a kleptocracy. I can't wait to get my GPS chip!!

Of Interest

Some of the things I've learned today from just a slight perusing of today's headlines:

In a pinch, you can use a mixture of toothpaste and pancake batter to conceal a "booty call" tunnel.

Apparently there is trouble in Scott City Missouri, inmates used a crude digging tool fashioned out of common prison materials ala' MacGyver, then cut a cement block out of a wall in order to allow a female prisoner to enter the cell of a male inmate, probably to recite Russian poetry and proper shiv technique. To avoid getting caught, they created a mixture of tooth paste and pancake batter to cover the hole and prevent it from being detected.


Canadian petro companies are considering using nuclear energy to pump oil.

Does anyone find it ironic that a company that exists to gain profit from burning fossil fuels, is considering using a competitive form of energy to perform their business? It's almost like Bill Gates using a Mac. Makes me wonder how the environmentalists are thinking about this?


If you shave off all your hair and cover your bald head in racist tattoos, you might be able to "blend" back into society.

Another white supremacist kills someone to escape prison. Normally someone that escapes from prison tries to hide; avoid being discovered; let's say "blend-in" regardless of the methods they use to effect this. I don't think its a stretch to say that. The guy here on the left that you're looking at is that guy. I'll let the photo do the talking on this.




Giant-Ass Penguins Roamed Ancient Peru

I know most people could care less about news of this type, but it has always fascinated me. It always takes me back to my childhood and allows me to look at life as a child once again. Think about it, wouldn't the world be a much more interesting place if 5 foot tall penguins wandered through the equator? Sometimes if I'm walking in a nature preserve or wooded area and stumble upon a goose, it hisses and startles me, sending my heart racing. Just imagine yourself in only Bermuda shorts, flip flops, and suntan oil laying on a Caribbean beach and a giant bird only slightly shorter than Sylvester Stallone appears out of no where? It would scare the living crap out of me. Just check out the picture of the fossil with this giant beak and I think you'll understand.

That's all I've got for today.

The Week That Was..

It's been a pretty active week around here for me lately, so where do I begin?

I've decided to put off the surgery on my hand for the time being. As much as it hurts and as much as I'd like to get it done, I just don't feel good about having myself basically operating on just one hand. When I have the surgery I don't think I'll be able to use that hand for a few weeks at least, but most likely it will be closer to 2 months. With that kind of recovery schedule ahead of me, I think it would be wiser to wait until we sell the house and move into the new place.

Speaking of the house, we had another open house today. I was at work for it, but Meva said we had a handful of people stop by with some mixed feedback. A few liked it, a few said it was too much money for them (don't ask me why they came if that's how they felt) and we had one neighbor who wanted to check us out because she's planning on putting her house on the market soon and she wanted to see what she had to compete with. It's not what I had hoped for in results, but we'll have to wait and see what happens.

Friday is my kids 1 year birthday. In some ways I can't believe that they're already going to be a full year old, but then in other ways it seems so much longer. It goes without saying that my life is completely different than it was a year ago, and I can't even imagine it without my three beautiful children. I can't wait for the next year just to see how they grow.

Meva and I are planning on taking the kids to Ohio next weekend for the 4th of July holiday so her mother can see the kids for their birthday. It will be nice to see Meva's family again and visit with everyone, but if it's anything like last time, this means even more work for me and less sleep since the kids will be off their normal schedule and very cranky. It will all be worth it though.

IN a completely unrelated note I just want to say that I can't stand Bernie Mac at all. I don't know what he's like in person, but when I see him on TV giving interviews or talking, I just want to cringe and look away. Something about the way he talks or acts just makes me feel uncomfortable.

That's it for now, I've got to figure out what I'm going to do for my wife tomorrow since it will be our 7th wedding anniversary.

Elmo is going to get me killed

Lately I've been spending my precious free time managing pain and trying to devour The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. The pain isn't that bad, but with it located in my offhand thumb, it does make simple household chores a bit of a problem, and on busy days I find it aching to the point that I don't want to even use the hand.

The reading of AAKC has been a true joy for me, and the farther I get into the book the more it pulls me in. That's the kind of statement you want to say about anything you read, and I can see why this book won a Pulitzer Prize. I have Brain K. Vaughn to thank for recommending this to me. In a very brief email exchange with me he suggested I read the book and remarked that he was jealous of anyone picking it up for the first time because of the sense of wonder and energy you get. I've probably got less than 100 pages left, but I can already agree with him there.

Yesterday was a bit surreal. If I were to give it a headline, Man Threatened With Death Over Missing Elmo. Seriously. That's the type of bizarre crap that you really can't make up.

In a nutshell, I spent just under $20 on eBay to get my daughter a stuffed Elmo doll, because she truly loves that little red muppet. I pay on time, but it never comes. I pay for priority shipping, but it's sent media mail. When I inquire about this, the seller refuses to acknowledge that and says she will refund my money when I send the box back to her.

I don't have the box or the Elmo!!!!, that's the problem.

She still doesn't get it.

After going through more emails, more patience, and the resolution processes of both eBay and Paypal (through which I paid) I am finally forced to try and contact her on the phone. Let's just say she's nicer in her emails than in person. She's not home, so I leave a message and say I'll call back later. Approximately 5 minutes later she calls me from her work and proceeds to yell at me about how big of a jerk I am and then hangs up on me. I tried calling her back (her number came up on caller ID) but I was gettng a voice mail system and hung up in vain. She immediately calls me back and condemns me for harassing her at work, calls me a bitch, and threatens to "whip my azz."

Did I mention she lives in Baltimore and I live in Illinois?

Now at this point I get a bit ticked off and I decided I would call her work and let the top person there know about her behavior and how she uses company time and resources. I make approximately 6 calls and get nothing but the automated voice mail. Turns out she's the top dog, must be one hell of a company.

But it doesn't end there, oh no. That would be far to easy.

I get another phone call, this time from the woman's husband. Among the many fallacies and ridiculous statements he made was

1. that he "listened" to me harass his wife 8 times on the phone (yet we only talked twice)
2. that I had no right to call her at work (although she called me from there)
3. that he was a law enforcement officer
4. that my house was going to be ransacked (for what, he never really could explain)
5. that he would personally come over to my house and beat me up
6. he wasn't just a law enforcement officer, but a Federal Officer
7. as such everything is within his jurisdiction,
8. he couldn't name the branch of federal law enforcement he worked for
9. and finally, that he was coming over to my house to "bust yo muthafuckin head in and keel yo azz," and then he hung up on me.

I'm not making any of that up. That's what he said and how he talked.

Although I am a bit embarrassed to admit it, just to be on the safe side, I did file a police report. I don't really expect anything to happen, but on the off chance that this knucklehead actually travels for his job or something, through eBay he does have my contact information. The last thing I really want is to end up as part of a special report of Dateline NBC or something.

All this because I love my daughter and wanted to buy her a stuffed Elmo doll.

Slow News Day

On a day of events that are of serious importance to this country and the direction we may be headed in our involvement in what has become an Iragi Civil War, namely the replacement of the chairmen of the Joint Chief of Staff and news that the US is arming Iraqi nationalists to fight al Qaeda, the same nationalists who were fighting the US just two months before.

Instead of important coverage of these important events, the nation was bombarded with coverage of Paris Hilton being forced from her home and back into court and told she had to return to jail. Much was focused on her screaming and crying as she was led out of the court room, obviously in tears.

It is an absolute blasphemy to every US citizen that this was the focus of the media world today. The only redeeming quality of the whole ordeal is that it's a strike against the rich and famous getting special treatment by our legal system. Horray! Let's just hope that it's not a momentary lapse of logic and common sense that slipped in between political special interests and old-boys club networking.

On a personal note, I just loved hearing that she broke down in tears and cried for her mom! I love comeuppance.

On a more personal note, I really got hooked on a subparly written TV series called Jericho, that was canceled by CBS. I've just hear word that they've since been picked up as a mid-season replacement for next year with the ordering of 7 new episodes.

By the end of July I will have made two trips to Ohio, had two birthday parties for the triplets, one major surgery, two separate medical procedures, and countless other projects to complete around the house as I keep it in condition for all the showing we have. I'm also still going to try and work every weekend that I possibly can during this time. There's a full plate if I've ever seen one.

In the meantime I'm going to try and write as much as I possibly can before I am unable to for a few weeks.

Still No Cause For Concern

It's been over a month since I last posted here. At the risk of sounding cliche, it's been extremely busy for me. I have some sick relatives who are fighting for their lives, my wife and I am trying to sell our house, and then there is the old standby---we're raising 11 month old triplets by ourselves. So to be sure, I've got a full plate.

In addition to the above, I've been undergoing occupational therapy for my thumb joint. Forgive me if I mentioned this in detail before, but my problem is that I have arthritis in my joint that connects my thumb to my hand. The picture to the left there shows the joint that's been causing me trouble for the last 4-5 years. Near as my doctor can figure out, I broke my hand a few times over the last 15 or so years and never had it treated. The result is that I no longer have any cartilage between that joint, causing the lovely sensation of bone rubbing on bone.

We tried the long shot of trying to improve the pain management with the therapy, but that was more to appease the insurance I have because let's be honest here--- how in the hell is moving my thumb in circles going to grow more cartilage?? It's not, but logic isn't something that is always used in medical decisions. So after three weeks of therapy sessions my thumb hurts worse and is less flexible than it was before. Thank you HMO of Illinois.

What happens next is going to be surgery. Usually this type of situation happens to the elderly, not someone under the age of 40 like myself. I think the most common type is to remove one of the bones in the joint, thus alleviating the pain. The other type is to fuse the joint together. The latter is the surgery I will be having. It's going to restrict some of my mobility, but I won't lose nearly as much strength as I would if they removed a bone. I'll meet with that doctor next week and I should have some better idea of when everything will come into place.

My wife also thinks that I might be having some difficulty with stress management, so she's scheduled me to undergo a thallium stress test. I don't know all the specifics of this test, but my wife seems to think this would be a good idea for me to do considering my age and other health factors. The basic gist I've gotten from this is that I'll be running on a treadmill hooked up to a bunch of monitors that basically checks to see how well my heart pumps blood and how the flow of blood to and from my heart is doing. Damn thing will take three hours supposedly. If they think I'll be running for three hours, I can already tell them that isn't going to happen no matter how hard I try. We'll see how that goes.

In other news, my sister is getting ready to move from Arizona to Kentucky. She's getting the normal pangs of doubt at the moment, but it's a good idea for her and she knows it, so I don't expect her to change her mind. Although she'll be away from her grandson, she'll be a lot closer to me and my kids, which will be nice.

That's it for now, the kids are up from their nap and wanting to eat.

A Cause for No Concern

Let me start off by saying a big Thank You to everyone that has written and phoned me in the past 24 hours about my last post. I was really touched by your concern and it was nice to hear from everyone. I didn't intend for any response, so let me just say that you all overwhelmed me!

I've written back to everyone individually at this point, but I'd like to publicly state a few things so that everyone gets to hear them directly from me.

First; This blog is part entertainment for me and part therapeutic. While I like to share myself and views with everyone, this site also allows me to deal with any issues I may have or may be going through. It is an introspective mentor, sounding board, and healer for me. Sometimes just by going through the movements of writing out my thoughts and feelings, I come to a better understanding of what I'm facing or even what I want to do. After almost 18 months of writing, this blog has become an integral part of me.

Second; In no way do I feel slighted or neglected by anyone. We are all very busy and have responsibilities and obligations that we have to see to. At the end of my post when I mentioned friendship, it was a very raw sharing of my feelings as I was attempting to combat my depression that night. It wasn't a major concern to me, but for whatever reason it came out as I was writing and sharing. Part of depression I think is the illogical embracing of ridiculous feelings as doubt creeps in. Meeting them head on, no matter how trivial, silly, or minor, helps me to dismiss them and think healthier thoughts.

Third; I am not currently treating this with any form of medication. I touched on it a bit in my previous post, but I am just tired of the medications. It's not that they don't work because some of them do, they just don't always work for everyone or on me. Currently I wasn't happy with any of the meds out there that I had tried, so I decided to try something new and that was to combat this without the meds using a very hyper-vigilant approach. What this means is that I am pretty constantly analyzing my feelings, motivations, and actions as I have become very aware of the patterns and destructive behaviors of this problem. For lack of a better term, I am fighting this out mentally. So far I think the results have been very good. But as a result of all this, I will possibly need to write and vent from time to time. It could be like a post such as my last one, or it might be something different, but it's all part of how I am combating this.

Fourth; I used the term "Self-Destruct" in my last post. I just want to iterate to everyone that this does not in any fashion mean physical abuse or suicide. It refers to making choices that are unhealthy and destructive in other ways. Such as purposely picking fights with people, neglecting responsibilities, or purposely making bad choices. Please, for those of you who may have thought this, I am fine.

Lastly; I just want to say that I took a risk in revealing this. I said in the post that one of my biggest fears and reasons for not bringing this up openly in the past was that I didn't want to be treated differently. That still holds true. I knew that bringing this up potentially opened the door to created a "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't" type of feeling for others. Rid yourself of those feelings and continue like you always have.

Again, I really appreciate the out pouring of concerns and interest that everyone has expressed. I means a great deal to me and I will definitely use it as part of how I deal with things during the real lows of this problem I have. Thank you all so much for caring.

How I feel

I suffer from depression. Big deal right, who doesn't? The older I get, the more I think that it is a big deal. It permeates into all aspects of my life and as I approach 40 I can see how it has even affected me physically. This is not something I talk about much, and I don't think I've even mentioned it to many people at all--- I would think that most people who know me aren't even aware of it. The reason for that is I've never felt comfortable letting people know about this.

I've always thought I'd be treated differently or that people would want to give me some additional sympathy or even pity as a result. I've never wanted to have a built-in "excuse" for bad behavior or poor choices that I might have made. I think that once you accept that type of crutch, you will eventually come to depend on it and use it in a very manipulative fashion. So for those reasons, I've always avoided mentioning it, especially when I was younger and first learned about this.

I bring this up because I think I'm going through a horrible patch of this right at the moment. This is the first time in years I've gone through this without taking some type of medication for it. The meds are tricky---sometimes they help you, but there are always side-effects that make them unattractive or unbearable. I took one that made me sweat profusely and experience heat flashes, and I've taken another one that worked for awhile but then made me feel jumpy, excited, and agitated. It all boils down to not feeling successful with anything I've tried. So currently I'm combating this on my own without any help, but it's incredibly hard.

I don't know if I've ever had a more difficult time than what I'm going through right now. I honestly think that if I didn't have babies to play with every day that I would have self-destructed by now. The thing about depression is that, for me at least, you feel a heavy solitude, even when you're surrounded by your friends and family. The best way I can explain it is looking at it as though each morning you wake up and find yourself wrapped up in a wet, heavy cloak of doubt. I say doubt because you end up not trusting yourself and you often lack the strength to throw off the doubt that is weighing you down.

The result of all this is that for the last few months I've felt extremely alienated and alone. Maybe I need counseling or something, but from the time I wake up until the time I eventually fall asleep, I feel disconnected from everyone. The worst part is that I know I would be extremely annoyed if I had a bunch of people hanging around. That sad contradiction is what I probably hate the most.

So, I often find myself up late at night, like tonight (it's about 3am), ruminating on everything. One of the things I've been thinking about lately is friendship or friends. If someone is my friend, I want to be there for them in anyway they need. What I've found about friendship is that I can find a more people to help me move or help me hang siding on my house than I can find to talk to or hang out with on a regular basis. I don't care about having help moving or getting a project completed when I've got an emergency, I'm more concerned with someone who just wants to talk to me or hang out with me because they really want to.

Maybe it's just depressed pouting, or maybe I've just become such a cantankerous bastard, but I find I have precious few people that want to talk to me these days.

A Powerful Week

Wow, where do you start? The world sure seems to be a little less sane than it was a week ago. The Virginia Tech tragedy is something that I think is going to have a very profound affect on the social and political fabric here for many years to come. The actual event is eventually going to go to the wayside, but the fallout is what we as a country will be dealing with for years.

I don't think anyone needs to be convinced that what Cho Seung-Hui did was wrong or that there were plenty of warning signs that should have prevented this from ever coming to the explosive conclusion we saw on Monday. That's all pretty cut and dry and we can learn from this tragedy. What's more is that we had damn sure better learn from it, because it's going to happen again and it's going to happen on a grander scale.

The media coverage of this event absolutely sickens me to no end. In my opinion there is absolutely no way that Cho's video should have been released to the public in any manner whatsoever. Any website, agency, or broadcasting company that has shown this should be held responsible for the next set of killings that are sure to be inspired from their negligence. By putting his video on the air or the internet they have shown the next killer that their message will also be heard; all they have to do is kill a bunch of people.

Where is the integrity and responsibility to make sure that we don't inspire or promote this behavior to the people out there that are in need of help and someone to listen to, but aren't getting it for whatever reason. This goes beyond the realm of journalism, this is a problem for all people in this society. The people who run NBC and it's news division had the opportunity to be responsible and elect not to broadcast Cho's sick and hateful message to the world, but for the obvious reasons they chose to ignore the needs of this nation, the feelings of the accussed's family, and the suffering of the victims families and they played the video, released his writings, and played it over and over again. This is humanity at one of its lowest forms.

STUPID SITE OF THE WEEK

To this end Ihave no choice but to award NBC News with this week's Stupid Site of the Week award. Unlike previous weeks, I won't be including a link to the site to showcase it's stupidity. In fact, I hope that no one visits their website. I for one won't be doing that again. I think it's important for me to take a stand against this kind of behavior and it's probably a good idea for me to boycott NBC News in all it's forms. If I truly feel upset and sicken by their actions, then there is no way I can support them by viewing any of their programs or transmissions. Maybe this will become something of a passion for me, I don't know yet, but at the very least I will chose not to participate in their type of irresponsible behavior.