Lately I feel like a punching bag. It seems like I just keep taken shot after shot after shot; too stupid, or stubborn, to go down. The last six months have been rough and I feel at the end of my rope at times. The littlest causes of worry seem to be going straight to my heaping pile of stress.
Today for instance, Perrin has an appointment with an orthopedic specialist to look at his bone structure to determine what type of help he might need for his walking. I was expecting braces and the like and possibly surgery, but what I got was that and a series of tests to rule of cerebal palsy, spina bifida, and a malfunction of his shunt. All of this is something I've been aware of ever since he was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, but for some reason they hit me harder than they probably should have.
This next week I'm planning on trying to focusing my energies and stress into my teaching resume and some applications and finally getting my massive amount of eBay items listed so that Meva and I can free up some space and I can put some money towards my special projects. Who knows, eventually I may actually have enough of a break and enough tranquility to do some much needed real writing.
The one good thing is that Monday is the actual start of the baseball season, with the Cubs playing their first game at 12:30. I am so looking forward to this distraction. The fact that the Cubs have a strong team helps, and it sure would be nice to see them in the World Series.
That's all for now kids.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Just One of Those Weeks
There were only two things good about this Friday was that I didn't get the 6-8 inches of snow that they predicted and that the week is finally over. It was just one of those weeks we all have that sucks.
I started the week really stressed out and having some insomnia and anxiety issues, which is always fun. It often leads to bouts of crankiness and exhaustion from lack of proper sleep. And did I mention it makes me a ball of joy to be around? I'll let my wife be the one who tells you about that bit of fun.
Both of the boys got sick early in the week, running fevers and cutting new teeth. So they don't sleep well, don't play well, and they want to be held all the time. Not a problem when you have one toddler, but when you have three. Lets just say that despite being a big guy, there is only so much room on my lap. I can hold two kids very easily, but when that happens the third child feels left out and wants in on the attention. I can do all three, but when this happens it doesn't take long for a fight to take place. Lots of fun there.
That was Tuesday, and by Thursday I had gotten the virus that the boys had. I really feel badly for them because this thing is weird and horrible. Its part flu like in that you're overwhelmed with exhaustion (which makes sense because I haven't done a damn thing since) and slightly achy. Then there is the swollen throat that unbelievably hurts and gives me a not even close to sexy hoarse voice, trouble swallowing, and pain at all times. Meva's not complaining though because it keeps me from talking that much, which she says is a rarity. The only thing that's really helping me is warm liquids, which seem to relax my throat and sooth things to a degree. I've mostly used coffee, since I like drinking it, but I think tomorrow I might switch to hot tea and see if that does even better.
Friday came around and it was the second straight night of having Ryan in bed with us because he wasn't feeling good and needed his dad to protect him. As much as I love him, I don't sleep well with him because he doesn't sleep well and I tend to him. So now it's been about 3 days of feeling horrible and I really started to look it and I was totally out of it. I hadn't showered or shaved, let alone combed my hair and as I was ready to put the kids down for their naps, Perrin's physical therapist arrived for his weekly session, which I forgot about and the house was completely nasty.
Poor Perrin has a hard time. Being sick he was in no mood for his workout and performed poorly. In the midst of things he fell down and smashed his face into the corner of the entertainment center and has a nasty red mark on his face. Then later in the day he fell off of our bed and landed right on his head. Normally he doesn't make a sound when he hurts himself, such as earlier when he bumped his head, but this time he screamed loudly and for a long time. With his hydrocephalus, it's always a scare and concern, so we're watching him closely and hoping he doesn't have any problems and need to have more brain surgery.
By this point the virus has spread to Sarah and she's now displaying her mother's charms when Meva gets sick, which is basically being tired and wanting to be left alone, until its time to devote everything to her. So now all three babies are sick and demanding attention and fighting among themselves at an incredibly pace.
Then, to add insult to injury, I decided I wanted to use a left over onion on a frozen pizza I was making and as I was chopping, I chunked right into the tip of my thumb and it bled for a long time. Meva has asked that I call her and let her know about these things in case of needing stitches, so I did, only to get ridiculed about my "little boo boo." I did exactly what she's asked me to do in the past, only to be teased and mocked!! She's so mean, I guess that's why we're such a good match and I love her so much. Besides, if I didn't call her and I needed stitches, she would have been cursing me all the way too and from work as she went to get stuff to stitch me up.
So in a nutshell my kids all got sick, I got sick, grimy, and lazy, and then I almost chopped off the tip of my thumb and dealt with insomnia and anxiety. Not exactly my most productive week, but at least it's over!! Now all I have to do is whip the house into shape for the Easter Dinner we're hosting. Should be fun!
I started the week really stressed out and having some insomnia and anxiety issues, which is always fun. It often leads to bouts of crankiness and exhaustion from lack of proper sleep. And did I mention it makes me a ball of joy to be around? I'll let my wife be the one who tells you about that bit of fun.
Both of the boys got sick early in the week, running fevers and cutting new teeth. So they don't sleep well, don't play well, and they want to be held all the time. Not a problem when you have one toddler, but when you have three. Lets just say that despite being a big guy, there is only so much room on my lap. I can hold two kids very easily, but when that happens the third child feels left out and wants in on the attention. I can do all three, but when this happens it doesn't take long for a fight to take place. Lots of fun there.
That was Tuesday, and by Thursday I had gotten the virus that the boys had. I really feel badly for them because this thing is weird and horrible. Its part flu like in that you're overwhelmed with exhaustion (which makes sense because I haven't done a damn thing since) and slightly achy. Then there is the swollen throat that unbelievably hurts and gives me a not even close to sexy hoarse voice, trouble swallowing, and pain at all times. Meva's not complaining though because it keeps me from talking that much, which she says is a rarity. The only thing that's really helping me is warm liquids, which seem to relax my throat and sooth things to a degree. I've mostly used coffee, since I like drinking it, but I think tomorrow I might switch to hot tea and see if that does even better.
Friday came around and it was the second straight night of having Ryan in bed with us because he wasn't feeling good and needed his dad to protect him. As much as I love him, I don't sleep well with him because he doesn't sleep well and I tend to him. So now it's been about 3 days of feeling horrible and I really started to look it and I was totally out of it. I hadn't showered or shaved, let alone combed my hair and as I was ready to put the kids down for their naps, Perrin's physical therapist arrived for his weekly session, which I forgot about and the house was completely nasty.
Poor Perrin has a hard time. Being sick he was in no mood for his workout and performed poorly. In the midst of things he fell down and smashed his face into the corner of the entertainment center and has a nasty red mark on his face. Then later in the day he fell off of our bed and landed right on his head. Normally he doesn't make a sound when he hurts himself, such as earlier when he bumped his head, but this time he screamed loudly and for a long time. With his hydrocephalus, it's always a scare and concern, so we're watching him closely and hoping he doesn't have any problems and need to have more brain surgery.
By this point the virus has spread to Sarah and she's now displaying her mother's charms when Meva gets sick, which is basically being tired and wanting to be left alone, until its time to devote everything to her. So now all three babies are sick and demanding attention and fighting among themselves at an incredibly pace.
Then, to add insult to injury, I decided I wanted to use a left over onion on a frozen pizza I was making and as I was chopping, I chunked right into the tip of my thumb and it bled for a long time. Meva has asked that I call her and let her know about these things in case of needing stitches, so I did, only to get ridiculed about my "little boo boo." I did exactly what she's asked me to do in the past, only to be teased and mocked!! She's so mean, I guess that's why we're such a good match and I love her so much. Besides, if I didn't call her and I needed stitches, she would have been cursing me all the way too and from work as she went to get stuff to stitch me up.
So in a nutshell my kids all got sick, I got sick, grimy, and lazy, and then I almost chopped off the tip of my thumb and dealt with insomnia and anxiety. Not exactly my most productive week, but at least it's over!! Now all I have to do is whip the house into shape for the Easter Dinner we're hosting. Should be fun!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Can't Sleep
At the risk of sounding like I'm in some type of manic mode, I can't sleep. Thoughts and ideas keep racing through my head and I've taken as much medicine to calm down and sleep as I dare to and yet I'm still awake.
This means I'm going to have another day feeling exhausted and unmotivated to get things done around the house. May all of this is because I'm not sticking up for myself and confronting some issues I have head on. I know they're going to be a hassle, so maybe that's why I don't want to deal with them. I'd really like to take a week for myself and go camping to find my center and recharge. Who knows.
On an unrelated topic, I really hate those stupid Campbell soup adds with the guy who can do nothing but slurp them like a meth addict. I get the point, but they're just stupid. I actually like Campbell soup, but I refuse to buy any more until that as campaign is gone.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough as a citizen and what more I could do to contribute to make my city, state, and country a better place to live in. Cynically it would be to start a revolution and remake the country into a better place---- but with my last name I will get shot in the head right away.
Drew Peterson is still in the news. Isn't that fucking fantastic! I guess it's much more important than talking about examples of all the good things people are doing? Interest rates are going down again, so I'm still benefiting from having an ARM, which is good sense I can't sell my house for enough to pay off the loan and my second mortgage.
And you know what else pisses me off===== Ribbon Magnets that people put on the back of their cars with their wonderful messages like "Support Breast Cancer Research" or "Fight AIDS" or something to that effect. I'll admit that I'm not doing enough for ANYTHING I've ever read on a magnet sticker, but come one, it's not like I'm rooting for Breast Cancer, or an increase in AIDS, or Homosexual Intolerance. Enough with the ribbons, that don't mean a damn thing anymore. I think at this point I would like to get one that says "Stop Buying Magnet Ribbons"
Well, I need to lay down and pretend to sleep. My son Ryan was scared and he's in my bed, so I can at least cuddle with him and relax, maybe enough to sleep.
This means I'm going to have another day feeling exhausted and unmotivated to get things done around the house. May all of this is because I'm not sticking up for myself and confronting some issues I have head on. I know they're going to be a hassle, so maybe that's why I don't want to deal with them. I'd really like to take a week for myself and go camping to find my center and recharge. Who knows.
On an unrelated topic, I really hate those stupid Campbell soup adds with the guy who can do nothing but slurp them like a meth addict. I get the point, but they're just stupid. I actually like Campbell soup, but I refuse to buy any more until that as campaign is gone.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough as a citizen and what more I could do to contribute to make my city, state, and country a better place to live in. Cynically it would be to start a revolution and remake the country into a better place---- but with my last name I will get shot in the head right away.
Drew Peterson is still in the news. Isn't that fucking fantastic! I guess it's much more important than talking about examples of all the good things people are doing? Interest rates are going down again, so I'm still benefiting from having an ARM, which is good sense I can't sell my house for enough to pay off the loan and my second mortgage.
And you know what else pisses me off===== Ribbon Magnets that people put on the back of their cars with their wonderful messages like "Support Breast Cancer Research" or "Fight AIDS" or something to that effect. I'll admit that I'm not doing enough for ANYTHING I've ever read on a magnet sticker, but come one, it's not like I'm rooting for Breast Cancer, or an increase in AIDS, or Homosexual Intolerance. Enough with the ribbons, that don't mean a damn thing anymore. I think at this point I would like to get one that says "Stop Buying Magnet Ribbons"
Well, I need to lay down and pretend to sleep. My son Ryan was scared and he's in my bed, so I can at least cuddle with him and relax, maybe enough to sleep.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Slowly moving forward
Since my father died I've been slowly trying to get a grasp of my life and move forward in a direction that is productive and satisfying. Doing that won't be easy and I'm sure it will cause me some major difficulty down the road, but the one thing I have come to see is that I deserve these things.
Writing is still the number one priority for me on a daily basis. I've been sluggish in selling things to finance a new laptop so that I can write in peace and quite, but I am moving closer to making this happen. I've actually begun sorting through my comic books and preparing them to be sold on eBay. In addition to the comics I have an off assortment of books, baby items, and games to add to this list in hopes of affording a laptop that will allow me to write and manipulate graphic files for my comic book assignments.
For now that's all I really have to talk about, with the exception that I am looking to restarting my comic book blog to discuss all things comic books. So that will be a fun undertaking.
Writing is still the number one priority for me on a daily basis. I've been sluggish in selling things to finance a new laptop so that I can write in peace and quite, but I am moving closer to making this happen. I've actually begun sorting through my comic books and preparing them to be sold on eBay. In addition to the comics I have an off assortment of books, baby items, and games to add to this list in hopes of affording a laptop that will allow me to write and manipulate graphic files for my comic book assignments.
For now that's all I really have to talk about, with the exception that I am looking to restarting my comic book blog to discuss all things comic books. So that will be a fun undertaking.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Loss, Grief, and Thanks
During the day on Tuesday March 4th my father, Lou Cicirello passed away. After a long bout with cirrhosis and emphysema in early February he broke his femur and he eventually succumbed to a heart attack, stroke, cancer, and kidney failure over this last month. His pain and suffering is now over and he is finally at peace.
The last week has been intense and stressful while we watched over him these last few days. In many ways this has been one of the hardest times I've ever been through in my life. I say that because through out it all we were left with trying to honor him, his memory, and his legacy. It's even more difficult to do than it sounds because it is so important to us that we worked hard to try and make sure we were doing the right things. I think he would approve of what we've done.
In dealing with these final days, I want to make sure that people know how absolutely devoted his son Lou Jr. was to him and our mother. He took on a mountain of responsibility in seeing to the big picture and the day to day needs of our parents. I don't think you can count past one hand the number of days he didn't check on and spend time with him over these last 4 or 5 weeks. Whether it was staying with him through the night, taking charge of the medical issues, looking after finances, doing the little things, organizing the end events, or just being there for our father and our mother, he selflessly gave of himself and his time to make sure our father was as comfortable as could be possible. He was my sounding board and companion as I went through this. I will never be able to adequately express the gratitude I have for all he did, and he did it well.
My other brother Cecil was instrumental in offering me a solid ground of reason, and logic, and love during this time. I knew I could turn to him and get sound advice, input, and observations about the situation and anything relating to it. I could rely on him to see the forest when I only saw trees. His contributions and support can not be overlooked.
My friend Colleen, who I sometimes refer to as my second wife, was simply amazing and outstanding throughout everything, specifically since the heart attack. She juggled her very busy schedule and made herself available at short notice to babysit my triplets so I could spend time with my dad and help out Louie in whatever small way I could find. To know that my kids were being watched and cared for safely and properly was a tremendous asset and gift that I don't think I can ever fully repay. She has been an absolute blessing to me in my time of need.
And finally I come to my wife, who may have accomplished the greatest task by putting up with me the entire time. That can not have been easy and I'm lucky to have her watching my back. She was ready and willing at any time to talk to me and be my rock of strength and support when I was grieving, or unsure, or just having a hard time dealing with the situation. She gave me patience and love in amounts I can't believe I deserved.
I wouldn't have made it through this without any of them, and others also offered me help and support during this time too. Whether it was just a kind word or an offer of help, I appreciated everything everyone did for me and my family.
This outpouring of support and dedication from family and friends exemplified the values and beliefs of my father. These are the kinds of actions that he taught me were the way to treat our family and loved ones and everyone has honored him by doing so.
Letting go is a hard thing to do, but knowing the fantastic support network I have and am a part of tells me that I will be able to do this and get on with living a life that he would be proud of. Thank you all.
The last week has been intense and stressful while we watched over him these last few days. In many ways this has been one of the hardest times I've ever been through in my life. I say that because through out it all we were left with trying to honor him, his memory, and his legacy. It's even more difficult to do than it sounds because it is so important to us that we worked hard to try and make sure we were doing the right things. I think he would approve of what we've done.
In dealing with these final days, I want to make sure that people know how absolutely devoted his son Lou Jr. was to him and our mother. He took on a mountain of responsibility in seeing to the big picture and the day to day needs of our parents. I don't think you can count past one hand the number of days he didn't check on and spend time with him over these last 4 or 5 weeks. Whether it was staying with him through the night, taking charge of the medical issues, looking after finances, doing the little things, organizing the end events, or just being there for our father and our mother, he selflessly gave of himself and his time to make sure our father was as comfortable as could be possible. He was my sounding board and companion as I went through this. I will never be able to adequately express the gratitude I have for all he did, and he did it well.
My other brother Cecil was instrumental in offering me a solid ground of reason, and logic, and love during this time. I knew I could turn to him and get sound advice, input, and observations about the situation and anything relating to it. I could rely on him to see the forest when I only saw trees. His contributions and support can not be overlooked.
My friend Colleen, who I sometimes refer to as my second wife, was simply amazing and outstanding throughout everything, specifically since the heart attack. She juggled her very busy schedule and made herself available at short notice to babysit my triplets so I could spend time with my dad and help out Louie in whatever small way I could find. To know that my kids were being watched and cared for safely and properly was a tremendous asset and gift that I don't think I can ever fully repay. She has been an absolute blessing to me in my time of need.
And finally I come to my wife, who may have accomplished the greatest task by putting up with me the entire time. That can not have been easy and I'm lucky to have her watching my back. She was ready and willing at any time to talk to me and be my rock of strength and support when I was grieving, or unsure, or just having a hard time dealing with the situation. She gave me patience and love in amounts I can't believe I deserved.
I wouldn't have made it through this without any of them, and others also offered me help and support during this time too. Whether it was just a kind word or an offer of help, I appreciated everything everyone did for me and my family.
This outpouring of support and dedication from family and friends exemplified the values and beliefs of my father. These are the kinds of actions that he taught me were the way to treat our family and loved ones and everyone has honored him by doing so.
Letting go is a hard thing to do, but knowing the fantastic support network I have and am a part of tells me that I will be able to do this and get on with living a life that he would be proud of. Thank you all.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
An Update
My father has continued a downward slide with his health and at this point it's all about making him comfortable until his last day.
He spent almost a week in the hospital and it was determined that he had a massive heart attack and that his kidneys had also taken great damage. His body is so weak and damaged that the doctors have decided they can't do anything to save his life and that doing further tests will only serve to traumatize him as well as be in vain. We suspect he also suffered a stroke, but that is one of the tests the doctors don't feel is worth running as they won't be able to treat it.
So as of right now he is recovering from the heart attack, is in liver failure from cirrhosis, kidney failure, emphysema, lung cancer, COPD, and he has a broken femur. Like I said, at this point it's all about keeping him comfortable and without pain as much as we can. He is currently on a consistent program of morphine and he's back at the nursing home.
It has been understandably tough on all of us and I've had good days and bad days. The ones that affect me the most are when he's in a lot of pain or just completely out of it and afraid. I think seeing him afraid is the hardest one for me because he was always such a large figure to me that its a devastating paradigm shift.
My brother Lou and I are both ready for him to slip away and for the pain to end. He has told us both that he's ready to go and doesn't want to be in the condition he's in. We're going to miss him quite a bit, but in the end we'll be happy when his suffering stops. We just hope that peace comes for him sooner than later.
He spent almost a week in the hospital and it was determined that he had a massive heart attack and that his kidneys had also taken great damage. His body is so weak and damaged that the doctors have decided they can't do anything to save his life and that doing further tests will only serve to traumatize him as well as be in vain. We suspect he also suffered a stroke, but that is one of the tests the doctors don't feel is worth running as they won't be able to treat it.
So as of right now he is recovering from the heart attack, is in liver failure from cirrhosis, kidney failure, emphysema, lung cancer, COPD, and he has a broken femur. Like I said, at this point it's all about keeping him comfortable and without pain as much as we can. He is currently on a consistent program of morphine and he's back at the nursing home.
It has been understandably tough on all of us and I've had good days and bad days. The ones that affect me the most are when he's in a lot of pain or just completely out of it and afraid. I think seeing him afraid is the hardest one for me because he was always such a large figure to me that its a devastating paradigm shift.
My brother Lou and I are both ready for him to slip away and for the pain to end. He has told us both that he's ready to go and doesn't want to be in the condition he's in. We're going to miss him quite a bit, but in the end we'll be happy when his suffering stops. We just hope that peace comes for him sooner than later.
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