Oh What A Weekend

I'm going to make this initial post short and to the point. We had a good visit at Meva's parent's despite the babies all getting colds and bronchitis. They were really well behaved and they mostly played with their grandparent's toys that they have just for them. Grandma Murial's white blood cell count was low, so she wouldn't get to hold them or even. As sad as it was, at least she got to see them

All around we enjoyed seeing our friends and family, and if the kids would have felt better they might have been less clingy to Meva and I and more willing to play and be held by others.

The trip home normally takes abut 7 hours, but at one point we were at a stand still for over an hour. It took an extra 5 hours, but we finally got home. Everyone is now a sleep and I need to join them. Details and any pictures will come tomorrow. G'night ya all

Crash, Then Burn

Well, it was the power supply that caused the computer to crash. My friend Chris came over today to help me put the new one in as I always assume that I will do the most damage. So Chris came over and we got the new power supply in and as soon as we turned it on, there was a surge of some kind and my video card fried.

When I say the video card was fried, I mean this literally. Chris turned the computer on and I saw a bright light coming from the bottom of the video card and I said to Chris:

"Hey, that's fire."

"Yep, that sure is fire," Chris said.

"Yeah, that can't be good." I said as Chris quickly shut the thing down.

That sucks, but I got a new card that's a bit better and everything seems to be up and running now, so as long as that stays true, I have no complaints. It could have been much worse.

Down

Last night I stepped away from my computer for about a half an hour to tuck my wife in bed for the night and when I came back it had shut itself off and wasn't working. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get it to come back on. My initial guess is that my power supply went bad. I'm really cautious when it comes to fixing computers myself, so I may not venture too far into trying to swap out the old one with the new one I just bought, but we'll see.

I spent most of the day in bed, feeling like I had the flu. Just overall felt like crap and I was fortunate enough that my wife was here and took charge of the house and the babies for me while I basically did nothing. I tell you, I definitely married out of my league and I got extremely lucky getting her.

Hopefully I'll be back up and running on my computer tomorrow, and the first thing I'm going to be doing is spending time backing up all my files. I've fallen behind on that, so it needs to be done anyway, so that will be a kill suck for sure.

Apparently my Bears looked like crap again today. I think that entire team needs to be overhauled and rebuilt. There is some great talent, but the team is just not very good, especially on the offensive side. The defense has more talent, but they can't seem to stop an important 3rd down, you can run all over them, and their schemes aren't working with the personnel they've got. If it were up to me, I'd start at the offensive line and work out from there, because this team needs it. The best part is that since I was sick, I didn't have to see the debacle

Slipping Away

It's really hard for me to be as honest about my life as I've been in the past few weeks. During this time I've come to discover that I have lead a quite conservative life in more areas than I realized. Sure, my values and politics tend to be liberally moderate with a green tint to them, but I've held many things close to my chest; personal choices, personal opinions; and things I've done in the past.

I'm bringing this up because I want everyone to know and everyone who cares, what's going on with me right now. My reasons for this stance are legion, but I felt they are necessary not just for me, but for anyone who knows me or loves me. Because when it comes right down to it, my perception of myself seems to be in contradiction with some of the ways in which everyone else, save my wife, views me. This is because recently a friend of mine used the word "aggressive" to describe me.

I wasn't offended in any way, but it surprised me, threw me for a loop actually. My personal image and description of myself would never have included that term, if anything it was more contradictory- completely opposite.

For the first time in my life I've entered counseling and I absolutely hate it and yet love it. It makes me angry, frustrated, uncomfortable, and sad but at the same time it challenges me to confront all my lingering fears, issues, and problems that have shaped me and effect me negatively to this day. Wounds that I thought were healed I've realized are not and I'm fighting to address them and the powerful emotions that they release. It is hard and at times overwhelming. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. [Continue and get better]

What does help me get through it is exposing myself to everyone and finding strength in this vulnerability. I need to do it this way to tell my thoughts and feelings, and even my actions so that everyone gets a better understanding of who I am.

Because it's been too long since I've last written, I wanted to share a few things with everyone here before I succumb to my sleeping pills for the night:

• Starting Friday I'll be medicating for Depression, for the last two weeks I've gotten worse each day
• She'll say different, but I've been an asshole to my wife, and she deserves much better than this.
• I cant sleep, and the meds are getting less affective.
• I feel lost, alone, and at times my future seems uncertain and impossible.
• I feel friendless despite great friends, yet I feel like asking "Where are they all?"
• Anyone who thinks I have ever just given them a "reality check" and didn't hold anything back, you need to know that I thought long and hard about I wanted to say, whether or not to say anything at all, or how to deliver my message, and in the end I held back my true thoughts and opinions for your benefit.
  
• Because of my hand, writing has come to a stand still and I feel incomplete, worthless, and empty.
• There are times through out every day when I think of the scars and injuries I've received from my family and they are so over whelming, that I want to lay down on the ground and cry.

It surprises me that I can share this much with you and I admit freely that it scares the living crap out of me to do this. But I think it's a healthy step for me. Anyone who reads this is also a part of this treatment for me, so any thoughts, responses, or even complaints are welcomed. Either leave me a comment or if you' like a more private forum email me here: Chuck's Email

Thanks for listening.

TV

It's very late at night and I'm still up, although I'm trying to cut down how long I sleep because my back had just been killing me. It's a combination of being out of shape, a chronic bad back, and a bad abed. I've noticed when I sleep less than 6 hours I'm ok, but any longer and I risk some major pain. It was so bad to today that I started the morning literally crawling around to where my pain meds were before I could actually stand on my own. Lot's of fun let me tell you.

As a result, I've been listening to the TV and I'm offended and not impressed at all. Some lowlights that caught my attention:

• Angelina Jolie had gun on her shoe at a European movie premier
• A Denver Broncos fan blows 6 car horns every time the Broncos score, and their neighbors aren't happy.
• A former contestant from "Dancing with the Stars" is having a nose job.
• Brittany ran a red light, texted in her car while driving, failed a drug test, and is going to move.
• Apparently the only people who watch TV this late at night need powered wheel-chairs. Presumably so they can change the channel.
• The Pope is coming to the US, as a non-Catholic and Deist, I could care less.
• Attorney Peter Francis Geraci , is the most powerful bankruptcy attorney in the world and he really cares, despite obvious scare tactics, partial truths and lies.
• A Group of Nuts, consisting of air pilots and a former Governor of Arizona gathered in Washington to demand that the Federal government to open a global investigation.

Man, with crap like that on, I can't wait to watch Sesame Street with my kids in a few hours! I really need to get off the grid!!

I'm Trying

What, you might ask, is it that i'm trying to do? I'm trying to find the time to write whenever I can, but my luck has been as consistent as usual and if you know me then ya know that ain't good!!

Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a decrepit old man lately? Normally I still feel like I'm in my early 20's, both mentally and physically, but lately the old body has been taken some nasty hits; I'm still down to just one good hand for about a month more, my ulcer has been flaring a bit lately and making eating a real unpleasant experience, I woke up this morning and needed to take some pain pills because my back went out on me, To top that off, Meva says I have what amounts to a swollen and an infected testicle that is possibly the most unpleasant of all the things that are bothering me. And then there is next week's root canal!!! At this point I'm just waiting for scurvy to set in!

I set up time today to get my cast changed, per the doctor's orders and after Meva busted her butt to get home from work early so I could get this done, I get to the doctor's office and the person who does the casts already left for the day!! Even though I talked to her 3 hours before hand and she assured me she'd be there. Just thinking about this REALLY gets me beyond angry! I will get a hold of this doctor on Monday and I'm going to politely give him an ear-full.

So then, I get back home and find out that I somehow infected my computer with a nasty malware program that was just insanely hitting me with pop-ups. None of my usual tricks worked and it took me almost 6 hours, but I think I may have finally got the little bastard deleted. Now it's gotten me a bit paranoid and I'm going to spend most of Sunday backing up files onto CD's.

But in other news, I had such a good morning today with the triplets. I think they must have taken cooperative pills because they played so nice together and were just laughing with me and I remember wishing the day wouldn't ever end. I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I'm going to be doing some leaf blowing and making giant piles of leaves for the kids to play in and see how well they take to it. I am so looking forward to this.

On another good note, I seemed to have gotten bitten by the holiday bug and I'm already trying to sort out my plans for Christmas. I've always gotten excited about Christmas, but I'm thinking this one could be the best one ever. I'm just about done putting together my lists of treats to bake this year as well as what I want to do with indoor and outdoor decorations, and then there is this year's special holiday photo's with the kids. It almost makes me a bit giddy when I think about it.

Well, I think this is enough time on here for me tonight, I need some sleep.