Reflections & Observations

I've had far too much "color" in my life of late, so much so that it has interfered with my ability and desire to write in any form. The "Color" I'm talking about comes from the normal phases of life that we experience ourselves and in watching others. It's not always easy to say which is the least painful to experience either.

I'm not of the disposition to blunt my words, which is my way of telling anyone who reads this that I am liable to forget the normal censor I use to filter my words on this medium. There are those that will read this and not fully understand my meaning due to the presumptuous tone of my writing tonight, most of them will be my immediate family, so let me speak plainly and say that I am of a mind to piss off some people with my comments.

My real father, by all accounts and history, is a real piece of shit as it relates to his responsibilities to myself and my sisters. When light is cast upon the truth of his work as a father, his lies, deceits, apathy, and extended absences are held naked for all to see. He is just another sad example of his generation that has only offered me crumbs of wisdom, genetic material, and a shining example of how a father should never behave. It is important for me to recognize and accept that through no actions or faults of my own, he decided at an early age in my life to cast me aside and build a new life that did not include room for me. That places me in an all too large fraternity.

Unlike most of my fraternity brothers, I was fortunate enough to have received an angel to fill the void that my own father declined. I often think I fell ass-backward into this, but the important aspect is that I was able to find someone who had the kindness and passion to take me under his wing, and at times into his home, and treat me like a son. That was no easy trick either. As a child I was difficult, troublesome, and charismatic enough to spread my mischief to others. Despite this, my friend Louie's father shepherded me as part of his flock.

There were times when I was out of line, far too many as most young boys are, and he was there to reign me in through lecture, example, and brief banishment when it was warranted. Throughout the years he gave me stability, inspiration, motivation, and love when I was alone and neglected by both my father and mother. And he did all of these things through his own steep trials and troubles. He often had very little for his family, but he always made sure there was something for me if I needed it.

Like all of us, he had his faults, but they seem so minor and unimportant now. What he gave to me far outshines any deficiencies that may have existed in his character. Despite the odds, he and his wife showed me the importance of family in ways that I was not shown by my own blood family. Throughout my life, it was he that served as my father. During the important and also the troubling times, he stood larger than life and supported me as he would his own sons. I am forever grateful to him for taking the time to just show any interest in me and my well being when he could have easily turned his back on me.

But I sit here tonight conflicted with love and sadness as he approaches death's door. To be sure the man is stubborn and a fighter, but we all must succumb to our final curtain call. I don't know when that will be, but I expect it won't be much longer. I will miss him and mourn him far more than I will the man who gave birth to me. Big Lou may not have brought me into this world, but I truly believe he kept me here and kept me grounded.

To me, that is the man who is my father. Not the pretender and genetic donor who turned his back on me and placated me whenever I tried to reconnect with him. Lou Cicirello is my dad. He is the one who was at my wedding, took part in the lives of my children, and used every thing he had to push me to a better life than he probably even dreamed of. The important milestones of my life have all been touched by him and as a result, I will never be the same.

It's true what they say about not being able to choose who gives us life, but there is no rule that says you can't choose over or choose another. However you explain it or however you want to rationalize it, I am damn lucky to have had him in my life.