I'm bringing this up because I want everyone to know and everyone who cares, what's going on with me right now. My reasons for this stance are legion, but I felt they are necessary not just for me, but for anyone who knows me or loves me. Because when it comes right down to it, my perception of myself seems to be in contradiction with some of the ways in which everyone else, save my wife, views me. This is because recently a friend of mine used the word "aggressive" to describe me.
I wasn't offended in any way, but it surprised me, threw me for a loop actually. My personal image and description of myself would never have included that term, if anything it was more contradictory- completely opposite.
For the first time in my life I've entered counseling and I absolutely hate it and yet love it. It makes me angry, frustrated, uncomfortable, and sad but at the same time it challenges me to confront all my lingering fears, issues, and problems that have shaped me and effect me negatively to this day. Wounds that I thought were healed I've realized are not and I'm fighting to address them and the powerful emotions that they release. It is hard and at times overwhelming. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. [Continue and get better]
What does help me get through it is exposing myself to everyone and finding strength in this vulnerability. I need to do it this way to tell my thoughts and feelings, and even my actions so that everyone gets a better understanding of who I am.
Because it's been too long since I've last written, I wanted to share a few things with everyone here before I succumb to my sleeping pills for the night:
- Starting Friday I'll be medicating for Depression, for the last two weeks I've gotten worse each day
- She'll say different, but I've been an asshole to my wife, and she deserves much better than this.
- I cant sleep, and the meds are getting less affective.
- I feel lost, alone, and at times my future seems uncertain and impossible.
- I feel friendless despite great friends, yet I feel like asking "Where are they all?"
- Anyone who thinks I have ever just given them a "reality check" and didn't hold anything back, you need to know that I thought long and hard about I wanted to say, whether or not to say anything at all, or how to deliver my message, and in the end I held back my true thoughts and opinions for your benefit.
- Because of my hand, writing has come to a stand still and I feel incomplete, worthless, and empty.
- There are times through out every day when I think of the scars and injuries I've received from my family and they are so over whelming, that I want to lay down on the ground and cry.
Thanks for listening.
4 comments:
Suckie,
I know you pretty much don't have a say in how you feel. With all that is going on you are probably not wanting to hear from me right now, I just want you to know that you are NOT ALONE. Even if that means, I am just here in the form of reading your blog entries.I don't expect a reply, I just wanted you to know that I really do care and am thinking about you.
It's hard to realize that people perception of you doesn't match up with your own. But you may find your interactions with people more rewarding and much easier if you can address the behaviors that may be causing the perception shift you don't like.
It's hard to do, but really worth the effort. I encourage you to keep working at this... it is clear that it's a sensitive area, and it would do you good to work this out. Talk with Ivan and see what she says, and as always, I'm here if you need a sounding board, or an honest opinion.
I believe that the reaseon that you were described (by myself) as aggressive is because of the insistence with which you appear to cling to your views. Admittedly, we don't know each other terribly well yet, but the impression that I have gotten over the time that we have spent together is primarily of a man who knows what he thinks about most things, and who isn't uncomfortable disagreeing with people openly. In my opinion, most people seek to avoid conflict, and while I don't see you as someone who seeks to find it, I also don't feel like you shy away from it or are uncomfortable with it. You give off the impression of someone whose thoughts and opinions on many subjects has formed and is not subject to change or review. This often feels aggressive, but perhaps a more accurate way to say it would be to call it assertive and without equivocation. For what its worth, I enjoy your company, and i enjoyed your company when our families got together very much, and yours is a friendship I would cultivate in a time in my life when I have little or no time to cultivate new friends. I understand how you can feel alone despite having a base of good friends. The one thing that I would urge you, if I may be permitted a moment of advice, would be to actively, not passively, seek from your friends and family that which you need from them. Don't turn your support network into mind readers, they will fail you if you do. Speak up, ask to just hang out, call your friends just to chat, and do it as often as you like and unapologetically. Sometimes people won't have time, but the more you ask, the more likely people will be to give. I personally tend to structure much of my social life like triage, who needs me the most gets me the most. Good luck to you Chuck, we'll be here for you.
I don't really know how to start, but I feel you need to find what makes you happy and have for a long time. I am here if you need a sounding board. We love you. I would not be the person I am if you were not there for me. I am totally blessed to have a brother like you. We will talk I am sure. Take care and hug the wife and babies. They are a great solace.
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